What
happens when you try and change the person you love? They love you
back a little less? No, well that doesn’t happen directly.
Essentially, the person you claim to love, starts loving
himself/herself lesser. And I strongly believe, you cannot serve from
an empty vessel. If they don’t love themselves enough, they cannot
love you enough, as well.
When you change the way they look or dress, or for that matter take away who they are- by not being accepting of their passion, they no longer remain the person you fell in the first place for. Some people change others for the need of everything being a “certain way” they want things to be.
You shouldn’t feel pressured to drop all of your interests. That is not a sign of a healthy relationship. If you have a strong sense of how you like to look, then by all means, don’t change. If you're happy with how you dress, and it feels like an honest reflection of your personality and your wardrobe makes you feel in Beast Mode every day, then definitely don't let them tell you to change your appearance to suit their preferences. But if you end up changing how you dress, in a way that feels negative, you will hate yourself for it, if not immediately, but surely later.
This is a conscious rethink we need to develop our minds into, that changing someone unless it is a really bad habit - that affects their health, is not cool. This too should not be a command/demand, but a healthy request.
Real love is not asking someone to change himself/herself for you. I believe people change, and sometimes, people change for people, sadly. Which sucks. We humans, have this amazingly illusional habit of “fixing” others. The thinking here is if he/she loved you enough, they would perhaps change. It is intoxicating. Trying to change your partner interferes with your ability to practice forgiveness. When you try to change them, you are always looking for flaws.
You’ll be inclined to bend on many things that are a part of your personality, if you really, really love the person — but , but, it’s a bad idea to do so, all the time.
Don’t resort to fixing or changing someone. That will only create resistance in relationships. Let love change you for better, not your loved one. And even when required, compromises and adjustments shouldn’t just be one ended. Remember, there is nothing wrong with you and there is nothing you are doing wrong. You are worthy of feeling peace and being accepted just the way you are. You are enough exactly as you are.
Nothing you say, nothing you do and nothing you wish for is going to motivate another person to make long-term change if they do not internalize the need for it. You should change, not because you’re being asked or because someone else thinks it’s good for the relationship, but because you, inside yourself, wish to be different.
Love someone where they are, not where you want them to be. It is very basic to show respect for the other person’s autonomy. Relationships are based on compromise because, despite rom-com fantasies, there is no such thing as a “perfect fit” between people. There are some “almost-there” fits and “pretty close” fits, but you’re never going to find someone who just so happens to conform exactly to the life you’ve established as a single person.
You should never let yourself believe things like, “If only I were different, this person would love me more.” That line of thinking is destructive; your partner should love you for your core self , your soul and your essence.
Love is not a power play, not roles and dynamics and shoes you must fill. You don’t need to become something better just to have someone’s affection, even if the other person’s intentions are pure. If the changes are insignificant or reasonable, it is acceptable. But you can’t make someone change for your reasons, or even the right reasons—an individual changes because he or she wants to. For themselves. Not for you.
All in all, it’s a wonderful thing to learn from a lover. If they can introduce you to new ideas, concepts, and experiences, your relationship will be all the richer. But don’t let it take over and influence what you have been, before they even entered your life. Don’t betray who you are. You need to be open to small changes for one another, but you cannot have a personality transplant, all of a sudden.
Imperfect, raw, and real. Proud being that way.
