It's based on money and looks.
You
can even meet 3 boys or 3 girls back to back on the same date, and
pick out the best one. If not, you can meet the next batch of
prospects.
It's
like shopping. Just like you visit a store and check out a hundreds
shirts to buy one who suits you best, same way you jump into the
arrange marriage market and chose the best one out of the lot.
But
really are they the best one? Some girl's side always want a man
who's rich, who's earning in lakhs, who owns a car and a house, who's
parents are really good, and seek no dowry. Some boy's side want a
girl who's fair, white (as a bulb), slim, tall (not taller than the
boy), educated (not more than the boy obviously), who can be a
perfect wife and daughter in law. And of course dowry is welcome.
Horoscopes are matched. Rahu, ketu, shani decides whether or not two
people could be good life partners. Understanding and compatibility?
Lol, what's that dude? Rahu ketu rocks!
The
guy meets the girl, for maximum half an hour, in some cases 10
minutes, in the presence of parents and families sitting right in the
next room (yay so much privacy). The guy and girl are terrified,
often asking common questions like hobbies and passions and alcohol
and education and jobs, etc. After 10-30 minutes, the families
enter back because according to them 25 year olds can choose a life
partner in just 10-30 minutes. A life partner and a pizza are equal,
both should take 30 minutes. These are the same families who takes
forever to finalize even a TV. But when it comes to arrange
marriages, 30 minute rule should be followed.
How
can anyone, ANYONE, understand how the other person really is in just
10/30 minutes? HOW? The second meeting is only permitted when you say
yes in the first. If you say no, the second meeting is not happening.
How is anyone supposed to really know about someone in such
circumstances?
Yes,
in the modern times, people can communicate more via mails, messages
and calls. But still the time period, the communication is just too
less in arranged marriages. It can take years to know a person.
Sometimes is does work in the favour because of the surprise element,
but more often than not, there are lot of incompatible couples almost
forced to live together because of the social boundaries of the
Indian society.
It's
not that the arranged marriage setup is totally bad. I'm sure it does
have it's own advantages, but as India is progressing, I really wish
it looses it's importance. People should be allowed to choose their
own partners, according to their own compatibility, and not on the
parameters of caste, religion, money and looks.
Lies
are very common in arranged marriages, lies about salary, family backgrounds, previous relationships, habits, the girl puts up the best dress and make up, that's a lie
too. The guy puts up his best behavior, lie. If you have to marry
someone, shouldn't that person see your natural face and behavior?
The
biggest flaw of arranged marriage is that it's just like a game of
gamble. If you're lucky, you can hit the jackpot, if not, then only
Lord can save you.
In
arranged
marriages, people just scan around and quit, thinking it will not
hurt feelings as there is no bonding between girl and boy. But it
hurts some individuals, to
be treated as commodities.
The
matrimony profiles are not truthfully filled, because it is filled by the parents, most of the times. For e.g someone is a non drinker/non smoker
as per their profile; this can be because the parents don't know this
fact about their kid, or that the parents know and conveniently leave this
out to broaden the scope of potential matches.
Health/medical
history are not usually revealed in this process. The most commonly
hidden ones are depression, epilepsy, impotence, night blindness,
heart issues. Have personally heard or come across many such cases
which eventually ended up in messy divorces.
Most
Indian males are confused a lot. Especially the ones who are earning
comfortably well and are pretty settled in their careers. Sometimes, I
pity them and mostly they invoke pure disgust in me. They feel
threatened when they talk to a girl who has her own mind.
Most
guys are
certainly not good looking at all (I know it's shallow to even type this!), yet expect to find
a
beautiful and pretty girl
(according to
their fucked up standards).
Often the excuse given for the beer belly, dark circles, receding
hairlines and tobacco stained teeth is
job pressure and the fact that they earn better than the
girl.
So money justifies everything, wow. But if you are 28 and look
like a 40 year old, then it’s not just aesthetics that are going
against you, but it clearly shows you are not physically healthy and
take your health for granted. Isn't it?
Pleasing
everyone, except the bride and the groom : Even
the opinion of a distant relative, who was virtually invisible until
then, begins to take more precedence than the bride/groom.
Expectation Management: It pivotal to understand that that the current generation is leaps and bounds ahead of older ones. We don’t blindly follow things but we need to rationalise everything and then decide what suits us best. So first and foremost don’t judge the boy or the girl from your expectations (in-laws/parents), rather appreciate how well suited they are for each other. Also, understand that the girl didn’t spend the last 25 / 28 / 30 or 32 years of her life to just become "the wife". Don’t let marriage be a deterrent in her professional growth or whatever her aim in life is. The boy and his parents should not look for someone ONLY to clean, cook, look after the house, and take some work load off the mother - Maids are better suited and qualified for these tasks, not a wife. That doesn’t mean a girl wants to run away from all these responsibilities, or I am looking down upon maids, but these responsibilities shouldn’t be her ONLY part of life, after marriage.
Don’t
try and pressure a girl by saying she is a part of the "new" family.
The girl is as much a part of the new family as the boy is of her’s.
Respect, love and honor is a two-way street. It mustn’t be
demanded, rather earned.
FOR
PARENTS - Also, parents must learn to cut the umbilical cord. Don’t
expect them to move-in with you. Let the couple figure out what works
best for them. There is no rule that says, what worked for one will
work for all. Let them make their life the way they want, face the
hurdles together, make mistakes and learn from them. That’s what a
marriage is, right?
It is interesting that you speak about such issues on your blog. But the matter of fact is that be it arrange or love, lust and money play an important role in both cases. Yes, in love marriage you might know the person in a better way, but that doesn't assure that the marriage will be a success. To my mind, any marriage is successful based on true understanding and mutual respect for each other. And I believe that arrange marriage is far better, because the expectations are least as compared to love marriage and you eventually fall in love with your partner as you try to understand each other and settle down.
ReplyDeleteI second your opinions, it's just that I am disgusted with the way the "process" is carried out by us, Indians :/
DeleteYou have put your views in a bluntly honest money on our hypocrisy or letting parents decide which is the biggest flaw. A marriage is about equality and believe no third part should decide. What's up with this entire a girl should do all work or take care of the house! It feel like we live in the stone age, Aayesha.
ReplyDeleteStone age? I guess people must have been sensitive even back then!
DeleteA marriage is about equality :) ALWAYS!