She Is A Mirror!

DISCLAIMER- Not every woman is necessarily a reflection of how you treat her. Sometimes you can treat her like a queen and she will not return the favor. Sometimes you can love her deeply and not be loved in return. Some things are out of your control and there is nothing you can do about it. Also, there is no justification for abuse, cruelty, cheating, deceiving, manipulating or lying. AT ALL. From any gender.

The way you treat a woman will often reflect in how she behaves. It just does. It’s almost as if women take the form and shape of a mirror that will reflect you in ways you’ve never imagined possible.

The honey moon phase is when most men do anything in their power to contribute to her happiness and peace of mind. No, her happiness is not your responsibility, it is hers. BUT, you can either add to it or disrupt her peace. This is when you compliment her, invest in the relationship with your time and effort, surprise her by noticing subtle things about her, support her goals, embrace her flaws and differences, try your very best to work out any challenges life throws at you etc. This is when she reflects back the loving, caring side of you. She will thank you for how you treat her with her sincere laughter, cuddles, hugs, loyalty, honesty and lots of love (even sex, for that matter). She will do ANYTHING for you. Literally.

As time goes by, you get comfortable and start settling down with her. You're together, there's no need for chasing anymore. Her heart and trust belongs to you and so does yours. There's nothing wrong with getting comfortable and settling down. By any means, it's a natural, healthy phase. What's not healthy is that you go from giving 100% in a relationship to giving 50%. You start showing her the man you really are. The loving, caring side starts to fade and your selfish, egotistic, career focused and tunnel visioned side comes out to play. She's had her portion of light, it's time to give her some darkness and see how well she handles it. The thing is, she always handles it better than you expect her to.

And, because she's so strong and can take anything, you start throwing more shit at her. It's almost as if you're testing the waters to see how far you can go and how much you can hurt her without any consequences. Well, it takes a hell of a long time for her to start treating you the way you're treating her.

When you begin disliking how she behaves is when she's finally taking the bull by the horns and placing herself as a mirror right in front of you. Yet, you still somehow miss it. You can't seem to notice how and why the relationship is changing until it's too late and she's already moved on. But the signs are always there, you're just choosing not to see them.

The truth is, she's showing you those parts of you that you have no desire to deal with, work upon and improve. You no longer have a desire to become a better version of yourself because she's yours and, unless you've set your eyes on another woman already, there's nothing motivating you to work on yourself.

You begin complaining she's too much to handle. She's giving you too much shit. She's too frustrated, irritated, frigid, miserable and clingy. She's not playful and sexy anymore, she's not passionate and thrilling. False.

She's too much to handle because you haven't learned how to handle yourself. She's giving you too much shit because you haven't given her anything else to reciprocate. She's frustrated, irritated, frigid, miserable and clingy because you're lazy, comfortable, ignorant, blind and distant. She's not playful, passionate and thrilling anymore because you don't even want to get to know her mind and body anymore. That's how a woman becomes a reflection of how you treat her.

Also, at times, we may feel the person who is inflicting torture upon us is unaware. But, no, they are very well aware & have a self analysis of who & what they are. Yet, they always play the victim card; however, the woman will refuse to be your reflection then - because enough is enough & she no longer wants to be a wrong doer like you & be vengeful. Then she walks away gracefully. To never return.

P.S: A man can totally become a reflection of how you treat him, too.

Book Review #136: The Second Life : An Anthology of 25 Life Changing Stories

Paperback: 224 pages

Publisher: Write India Publishers; first edition (10 October 2014)

Language: English

An awesome compilation of unique stories and they titled it so apt as 'The Second Life'. Take my words some characters of the stories will not leave you forever. All the writers have given their best work here, you will echo my views when you read the stories. I have a story named 'In The Classroom of Life' too. Here is the list of story names and their authors. 

Each story has its own flavour. While some are as sweet as a cold breeze, a few are upbeat and thought provoking. It is a highly recommended book with the right ingredients for everyone.

It's a collection of beautiful heart touching stories that can change even the reader's perspective about life. Only few books have this power, and this is one of them.

A particular story that stood out to me and stirred my soul was 'The Hug of Allah and Ishwar'. It left me wondering about the hypocrisy we live in. The religion that teaches us the way to ultimate peace, we use the same religion as a reason to kill. Shameful.

An inspiring book you must get. A worthy gift you can give to anyone. 

Ratings: 5/5

What Makes A Relationship Last Long?

1. The ability to compromise is important for success in many aspects of life; your romantic relationship will also thrive when you've both have honed your ability to give and take. A long lasting relationship requires flexible individuals who are willing to give a little (and sometimes a lot) to ensure mutual happiness. If you and your partner are good at finding solutions that make you both happy, it's a good indicator that you'll be successful in the future.
2. Couples that have similar values & share a common sense of curiosity are a lot more likely to make it long-term just as are couples that share similar goals!
3. Your arguments should actually bring you closer. You HAVE TO communicate to each other with kind words. Never don't hold grudges once you're done fighting.
4. When you’re not insecure about each other’s successes & support each other's goals.
5. When you forgive each others’ bad days. Have a short memory and a lot of forgiveness. Prioritize your partner over anything else.
6. When you have bad news, your spouse is the first person you want to tell -- not the person you most dread telling. Daily connection time is a MUST have!
7. To keep your relationship brimming, with love, whenever you're wrong, admit it; whenever you're right, shut up. You still like them when you're angry.
8. Take that EXTRA effort equally.
9. When you challenge your old taught habits which might be snobbish like fighting over unmade bed, wet towels thrown carelessly on bed, etc. It’s not about being a neat freak, but c’mon, some things can be learnt & changed!
10. When you trust each other at all cost.

Gold Diggers

Well, gold diggers seem to be everywhere at the moment, in large numbers in men and women both. People want to be financially stable and to be able to afford the nice things in life. Frankly, some people (can be men & women both) are unlikely to achieve that through their own work/potential. Such men marry women for dowry and other such demands/luxuries, and such women be gold diggers and marry only for money.

And it was in the past that it was accepted as a woman's duty to make a good marriage, cook etc. Now it’s time for equal roles. I find myself wondering often, what is the difference between being a Cinderella and gold digging? Where do you draw the line?

The simple answer, of course is that, in these days of equality, women no longer need to marry into money - most of us can make our own. Women are ambitious nowadays. As a matter of fact, millennial men are gold diggers. Society is less likely to scrutinize males who partake in this trend when compared to women.

And often, I see the woman who leaves her job to make a family, while the man goes out to work and achieve his career goals.

I agree there are “irresponsible” women who are married off to rich guys in trade of their good looks/white skin/bad marks. But here- there are men too who accept gori chamdi as a beautiful (read: trophy wife) wife!

I feel we all need to answer this to ourselves: If your spouse was to go broke today, would you stay with him/her?

Of course, no one wants to be in this predicament but sometimes shit just happens. Are you the wife/husband that will hold things down till he/she picks things back? If you answered, “yes,” then you are more of a financial planner and less of a goal digger!

A gold digger looks at her man/ women as an endorsement deal. As long as he/she keeps her/him in the finest things and keeps the money flowing, she/he will stick around. But when that money is gone, so is your trophy wife/rich husband.

“GROWING” in a relationship!

For me, “growing” in a relationship means the following:

• Your partner begins to see you more positively than you see yourself. You might be insecure about a feature or two about you, but they find you attractive always. They encourage you to be yourself.
• Your partner's good habits rub off on you—including health, finance, lifestyle, or psychological habits.
• Your relationship provides practical and emotional support that allows you to pursue your personal goals.
• You begin to persist hard things & difficult situations in life together - as two mature people. Such things grow you together and not apart.
• Your relationship helps you learn to trust that another person is dependable and emotionally available to you.
• When tiny things don’t hurt and resentments don’t creep up on you both - when there are no unspoken, unconscious issues present or overlooked in your relationship.
• When you have the best communication, you speak and listen to one another with intense presence, honesty, patience, and compassion.
• When there’s no comparison of what jobs people have, their homes, their clothes. When you don’t look to see what the grass looks like on the other side. You’re happy with the view out your own front door and you cherish that.
• One of the most important sentiments of human love is intimacy, that means, "in-to-me-see." Desire serves as the connection between love and sex that gets liveliness and spontaneity in your lives and in the relationship. Love is the best aphrodisiac.
• When playfulness, creativity, and commitment help you maintain your freedom that lets you breathe while also remaining deeply connected to your partner.
• When you do not let small anger accumulate & sort things before you call it a day.
• When you work together for a better life and repeat how grateful you’re for having each other around.
• When you share curiosity for same things & sometimes take an interest in what interests the other person too.
• When you go the extra mile for them, relationships cannot be 50–50 all the time. It has to be unconditional at times.

Why are relationships so demanding?

Relationships are demanding. Because :

1. EXPECTATIONS: Most people have unrealistic expectations from their relationship & are not ready to work on it when they see the red flags.

2. CONFLICT MANAGEMENT: When conflicts arise, people are less curious to listen to the other side’s concerns & learn from each other, rather they just want to win and prove they’re right.

3. SELF AWARENESS: The only way out of mutual wounding is to develop self-awareness, examine our childhood/teenage histories and the wounds they created, build tolerance, learn the language of effective communication. This process is empowering & liberating. Unintentionally we make our partner suffer for our past bad experiences.

4. 24/7 ROMANCE BUBBLE: Accept that it won’t be all romance and flowers — and enjoy the special moments you have.

5. TAKING THINGS FOR GRANTED: Once we feel comfortable in a relationship, we have a tendency to take everything for granted. We forget to do what it takes to express gratefulness and keep lovely moments fresh.

6. STAYING ON THE SAME PAGE: It can be hard to be on the same page at the same time. Communicate! This will help tremendously in the long run.

Give Her A Break! #HappyMothersDay

When I say that I need a break, I'm not talking about wanting a vacation or a treat as a reward for doing my job. Needing a break doesn't mean that I'm seeking a respite from my responsibilities or that I want to put my feet up. It means that I need a moment to feel like a human being in the midst of a relentless life where I don't belong to myself anymore; where I give my love and energy away, every moment of my existence, and can't figure out how to keep any for myself. I just need a few minutes to not be on edge, working my nerves and spirits raw for the safety and happiness and health of my kids. I just need a moment to remember who I am, to not feel worried and harried and invisible. I need a second to catch my breath, to make my own choices, to try to love myself, for a moment. My breaks might allow me to think my own thoughts for a few moments.

- A Mother

Motherhood is challenging. We love you, Moms. We do. And, thank you. For EVERYTHING. #HappyMothersDay

Linen Curtains

Linen curtains, knit of fancy, rustic yarns,

Plethora of thoughts fleeting through the blue, purple and scarlet dimness,

An air of romance permeates the volume,

The linen curtains recall your voice tonight, 

Recall the night when it first saw two silhouettes making pure, mad love! 

💙 

-Aayesha 

Image Source : Pinterest

Book Review # 131: Until the Music Stops

Book: Until the Music Stops

Author: Naimish Srivastava

Publisher: Bigfoot Publications Pvt. Ltd. (2019)

Pages: 233

‘Until The Music Stops’ is one such romantic thriller book that will make you flip the pages till the end! It offers a lot of twists and turns throughout the plot. I just finished reading this book and I cannot imagine what a ride it was. I have read something incredible, that too from an Indian author. A very tight novel with a jaw-dropping romance and thrill. The storyline is fabulous and continuity maintained throughout is worth appreciation.

Until The Music Stops by Naimish Srivastava, revolves around three characters- Grace, Amir and Siddharth. Grace who does not get what she desires from her husband Siddharth. Her past continues to knock her present in the form of Amir, who was her lover since college days. The complexity of these relationships is what drives the book to an unexpected end!

This book has – a solid and tense plot, formidable protagonists, gut wrenching sequences and a shocking climax. The constant tension between the protagonists has been well presented. This book is a medley of psychological drama, mystery, suspense, thriller with a tad bit of love and betrayal. The best part of this book are the characters. I would definitely say that it is a character-driven plot because they have been portrayed with such finesse and the author has managed to put all the nitty-gritty details. The usage of simple words and lucid language helps to maintain coherence throughout the book. The quotes in the book justify the title very well.

The novel is a perfect blend of emotions. This book doesn't disappoint you. An absolute thriller. Once you start reading it, you can't stop it. If you are looking for some short engaging read you should go for it! 

Ratings – 4.5/5

Book Review #123 : 'Til Health Do Us Part

In this well-crafted memoir, author Rooney chronicles her journey towards holistic wellness as she healed from a host of debilitating diseases and her family falling apart.

She introduces readers to her past through flashbacks—physical and sexual abuse as a child, her joyful marriage disintegrating as her husband’s career progressed, and dozens of doctors piling on diagnoses and medications. In 2010, Rooney’s life took a life-altering turn when she moved to Hawaii and met Xavier, a shrewd, composed Eastern healer who guided her towards health with constant probing. Xavier’s enduring patience with her fuels her sense of humor which allows her to express her true feelings. With his help, she thrived and separated herself from the toxic environment of her family, established a healthy diet, and learned to nurture herself. But the biggest hurdle was weaning herself from the heavy medications she had become dependent on for years. As she made monumental strides to improve physically, she also engaged in the grueling emotional work of overcoming the pattern of self-destruction rooted in an inability to love herself. 

The author takes you through her personal transformation, kicking & screaming, as she experiences her awakening realizing that her choices are creating her reality. This book is a soul’s journey, a spiritual story, told by a woman as she discovers that the body, mind & breath are all connected. She comes to realize that her emotional state of consciousness is creating her physical challenges. Xavier helps her to connect with that inner voice which becomes the pivotal trigger that propels her forward with confidence in knowing she has established her connection to her essence. 

Rooney’s writing style is genuine and engaging; short chapters keep the pace lively. The chapters usually ended with a statement that enticed me to keep reading. The narrative weaves seamlessly between what is she experiences in Hawaii, her childhood and young adult years, and the years during which her diseases progress. Not even a physician can fix a person if they're not willing to participate in their own healing. She captures Xavier’s advice in memorable stories and phrases, like his observation that in healing, “there’s a point…where you stop swimming away from something and begin to swim towards something.”

Julie’s honest reflection & relationship with her emotional state of mind throughout the process of healing radiated with so much honesty. You can feel her sorrow when she realizes that she needs to listen to & depend on her own intuitive voice in order to go forward & be truly healthy and happy. I'm inspired and uplifted, and the writing, injected with humor and passion, makes this book worth sharing with anyone I know! Her total healing is raw and remarkable. Quite the courageous lady. 

Verdict : An astonishing yet plausible story of recovery told with authenticity and a healthy dose of humor. Would recommend this book to anyone really wanting to understand what true health is all about.

Rating : 5/5

P.S : This book was provided to me in exchange for an honest and unbiased review.

Book Review #118 : How I survive: Vizmom

How I survive: Vizmom is a common-sense guide to managing everyday stress. As I started reading the book, I realized that the author had put a lot of thought into her own life experiences. 

The cover is very mesmerizing to look at. It has a philosophical and soothing feeling to it, which suits the genre of the book perfectly.

The anecdotes and stories from which the lessons are drawn are very inspiring. The language is very simple to understand. It is written with a first person narrative which makes it easy for the readers to connect.

The basic ideology behind this book is to ensure that none of the working women feel that she has been left alone or she has to carry all the burden over her shoulder.  The book is a real interesting read since each of the 77 chapters does not stretch beyond 3 pages. The content is given in short and crisp manner which makes it really appealing.

The book is a non fiction account of a working mother who is a doctor and a responsible mother. It outlines various effective measures for issues faced by working mothers who constantly juggle their life between home and workplace. A lot of patience, compromise and sensible thinking are required to cope with the stress that comes along with this role.

The chapters highlight the power of positivity, gratitude, creativity, forgiveness, humility, meditation and various aspects which are essential for a stress free and peaceful life. Dr Vidhu Bhatnagar successfully draws parallels between the positive and negative outlook towards life and how the former can aid in turning every odd in your favour!

According to the author, the key to mental happiness is having a healthy response to stress and not avoiding it. The arguments presented are lightweight and reasonable at the same time. 

However, the book does come with certain drawbacks. There are several grammatical errors and that might make the otherwise simple dialogues ambiguous. Even the title is incorrectly punctuated.

Verdict — Overall, this book is more than just being a self-help book. It has the calibre to enable the readers to become stronger- emotionally and spiritually. A light read, indeed! A must read for all parents.

Rating – 3.8 / 5

Book Review #116 : Surviving Stress

Title	Surviving Stress: Rediscover the Awesome You!
Author	Vidhu Bhatnagar
Publisher	Educreation Publishing, 2017
Length	251 pages
ISBN	9781545708200
Subjects	Self-Help

”Surviving Stress and Rediscover The Awesome You!" Is a book that helps you learn to deal with stress constructively. Stress in everyday life is a killer in itself and when we become parents, the stress multiplies. The first section in this book deals with my ways of surviving stress, balancing between work, patients, kids and home with patience and acceptance. 

This book is divided into two sections - the first section deals with the lessons regarding stress management and the second is devoted to learning about the societal conditioning and rediscovering our awesomeness. 

Vidhu explains how societal conditioning restricts our growth; how we need to identify our bonds so as to free ourselves and become our awesome self. Identifying the clutches of conditioning and then disentangling from them is the second part in this book. 

“Surviving Stress” is a sincere attempt by Dr Vidhu Bhatnagar to throw light on the delicate and hidden threads that hold the life together. It is these threads that need to be cherished and nourished so that they become stronger with each passing day. Deriving learnings from her own experiences, the author explores the mesh that we build around us and make our life more complicated. The book aims to offer a more simplified and more realistic approach to understand the complexities of life. 

The book is extremely well written. The language is simple, yet riveting. The editing is superb. The book is divided into several short chapters which make it super easy to read and help us retrospect on one aspect of our life that hampers our ability to live happily. This book is simple and practical. Some stories urge us to reflect on our flaws and accept them. The title of the book is catchy and apt. The cover of the book, however, fails to catch attention because it is very simple. 

The book is interspersed with wonderful quotes. The tips offered are not unique, really. They are common enough to have been tried and tested. So the author is sharing useful information, without being preachy. Truly inspiring. If are struggling with stress, this book could be your ultimate saviour. 

Rating - 4/5 

About the author : 

Dr. Vidhu Bhatnagar completed her graduation in 1999 from AFMC, Pune and has been practicing as a full time professional, since then. She proceeded to commence her post-graduation in Anesthesiology in Dec 2003. She was blessed with her first born in August 2006 and the second born in Jun 2009. She commenced her super specialization in NeuroAnesthesiology in Jan 2011 and successfully completed the same in Dec 2013. She is presently working in a tertiary care hospital as an Associate Professor and Neuroanesthesiologist. The stress of pursuing higher education, handling relationships and managing kids was overpowering and it took some time for her to realize the ways and means to handle everything optimally. She became an ardent follower of alternate healing practices including Reiki and Pranic Healing during this journey. She also is a Tarot card reader and Oracle Card reader and paints 'Mandalas' for relaxation.

Book Review #109 : Invisible Ties

Author: Nadya A.R. 

Title: Invisible Ties 

Year of publication: 2017 

Publisher: Rupa Publications 

Number of pages: 265 

This is a story of a girl finding herself, accepting herself and loving herself. This is a story of self-love and self-respect. 

Nadya A.R.’s Invisible Ties traces the journey of Noor Kamal as she goes from being a meek, overprotected girl growing up in Pakistan to becoming a self-realised woman, married and on equal terms with her husband in Singapore. 

Nadya A.R. certainly deserves credit for the research and details presented in the novel. At first, Invisible Ties comes across as a fairly ordinary story but that’s only until the plot takes off. Or maybe the story is ordinary but has been told in such a manner that it makes for an extraordinary read. 

The book is about Noor and her journey across multiple cultures. Ordinary situations sometimes transform seemingly average people into unlikely heroes and it is only in taking control of our lives that we discover ourselves. 

Invisible Ties is a story about love, loss, relationships that evolve and bonds that are tested. The interplay of emotions and relationships is something that stands out in this book. The characters emotions are explored in detail, their trials and tribulations and compromises make for a fascinating read. Perhaps, its good that this story has been kept ordinary and hasn’t resorted to unnecessary grandeur. The simplicity is what makes it unique. The different stages of Noor's life have been beautifully encapsulated. 

From the first couple of chapters, I was left confused. Many things were happening, and I couldn’t decode them. It was all going over my head. However, once the story moved to the past that was set in Pakistan, things settled a bit, and I could make sense of what was happening. I think the part set in Pakistan is the strongest part of the story. 

Some of the stuff is repetitive but if you can overlook it, it makes for an overall good read. The author has good command over language and holds the plot fairly well. 

VERDICT: Overall, ‘Invisible Ties’ is a brilliant story that offers genuine moments of heartache and throws light on the harsh realities of life. It projects various themes and leaves the last page for the readers to contemplate. 

Rating - 4.5/5 

P.S: I received a mail from a company named ‘Keemiya Creatives’, asking me to review this book. I read the blurb, which seemed intriguing, and I accepted their offer, in exchange of an honest review. 

Book Review #107 : 'He's Just Not That Into You'

Authors: Greg Behrendt, Liz Tuccillo

ISBN: 978-0-689-87474-1

There are 16 chapters. Each of these chapters contains a brief description of the problem from Greg; two or three advice column-style questions from women, which Greg answers; a paragraph or two under the heading "It's so simple," which reinforces the chapter title; "Here's Why This One Is Hard," wherein Liz empathizes with reluctant readers and whines about how difficult her romantic life is; "This is What It Should Look Like," which discuss an ideal situation; and "Greg, I Get It," credited to a woman who finds the advice liberating.

Three items end each chapter: "If You Don't Believe Greg," which always has '20 out of 20' or '100% of polled men' giving advice that stands by the chapter's rule; a redundant "What You Should Have Learned in This Chapter" summary; and a trivial but occasionally giggle-worthy "Workbook" section.

You've probably told yourself all of this stuff before, but seeing it in writing really brings it home. I feel like this book has changed my entire perspective on dating.

If he is really that into you, you will know. There will be no doubting or questioning. This book just reaffirmed my inner voice that was telling me this kind of stuff but I always brushed aside in hopeless romantic style. But not anymore! This might be an uncomfortable book for both men and women to listen to, since it has high expectations of relationships. It has a light touch and is often funny. While the book often seems to have a very idealized view of romantic love and the perfectibility of relationships, relying on an old fashioned view of the differences between the sexes, it also fits in with one of the simplest and most obvious planks of feminism, that women should be treated with respect and kindness. We well know that it is often the people we get closest to that we hurt the most.

He's Just Not That Into You is certainly not an academic treatise, so readers should take the advice at the level at which it is offered. The idea of the book is to get women to improve their relationships, not make final pronouncements about the nature of men and women.

Move over diamonds, Greg Behrendt is a girl's new best friend. This book is hilarious and its humor will turn off any yearning for the man you thought was "into you" but not heard from in a while. (The book also gives women permission--and courage--to dump a man without feeling guilty.) The sad truth took a while to sink in that if a man really wants a particular woman, he'll move mountains to be with her.

It is not a bad message and maybe it is needed because as the authors say, there are too many women who put up with bad behavior from men. Women do need to believe that they deserve respectful behavior and should not fall for the many lies they are told. Indeed, women should not be so ready to lie to themselves about their relationships in the belief that they can't do any better. They need to respect themselves enough to insist on being loved well, because if they don't, then men won't respect them either. It is pretty crude psychology, but it makes sense.

He's Just Not That Into You will make its readers consider what their minimum requirements should be in the attitudes of a partner, and how much they should forgive the faults and mistakes of their lovers. So, surprisingly, it is a book that takes a strong moral stance. It is probably not a stance that its readers should adopt completely, but it is at least one worth keeping in mind. I sat with a highlighter pen to mark the important one-liners - the gems! ;)

Dating & Relationship Insights From Mom!

It’s a delicate subject, but in my times of conflict, I have always turned to my mom for a second opinion as to whether I am is correct in my assumptions about a relationship or not. Without taking my side, she has always called spade a spade. Top 5 valuable lessons that I learned from her :

1. Respect him/her. Offer it while expecting it in return. Good relationships are forged more on how a couple handles the bad times than the good ones. Fight fair. Don’t get into name-calling, or fits of rage.

2. Never change for someone until you no longer recognize yourself. Falling deeply, madly in love should not get you “lost”. Change aspects of yourself only because YOU recognize where your flaws exist and YOU want to become a better person.

3. “Don’t marry for money. You’ll have nothing when it’s gone.” Prioritize love. The biggest lesson I learned from her is to prioritize love. Real love. To trust my heart and not force something to work just because it's a good story or he's 'perfect on paper.’

4. Never Settle. Since forever, my mom has taught me to never settle, to keep my standards as high as I want them, and that it's better to be alone than wishing you were alone!

5. Find the one who ‘supports’ you. 'Having it all' is impossible (or very, very difficult) without support. She attributes her success, work-life balance and happiness in large part to the fact that my dad has been an incredibly awesome, involved, and equal partner.

So, there you have it: Whether it's the little things or the big picture about life and love, a mother knows best.

Biggest Flaws In Arranged Marriages In India?

It's based on money and looks.

You can even meet 3 boys or 3 girls back to back on the same date, and pick out the best one. If not, you can meet the next batch of prospects.

It's like shopping. Just like you visit a store and check out a hundreds shirts to buy one who suits you best, same way you jump into the arrange marriage market and chose the best one out of the lot.

But really are they the best one? Some girl's side always want a man who's rich, who's earning in lakhs, who owns a car and a house, who's parents are really good, and seek no dowry. Some boy's side want a girl who's fair, white (as a bulb), slim, tall (not taller than the boy), educated (not more than the boy obviously), who can be a perfect wife and daughter in law. And of course dowry is welcome. Horoscopes are matched. Rahu, ketu, shani decides whether or not two people could be good life partners. Understanding and compatibility? Lol, what's that dude? Rahu ketu rocks!

The guy meets the girl, for maximum half an hour, in some cases 10 minutes, in the presence of parents and families sitting right in the next room (yay so much privacy). The guy and girl are terrified, often asking common questions like hobbies and passions and alcohol and education and jobs, etc. After 10-30 minutes, the families enter back because according to them 25 year olds can choose a life partner in just 10-30 minutes. A life partner and a pizza are equal, both should take 30 minutes. These are the same families who takes forever to finalize even a TV. But when it comes to arrange marriages, 30 minute rule should be followed.

How can anyone, ANYONE, understand how the other person really is in just 10/30 minutes? HOW? The second meeting is only permitted when you say yes in the first. If you say no, the second meeting is not happening. How is anyone supposed to really know about someone in such circumstances?

Yes, in the modern times, people can communicate more via mails, messages and calls. But still the time period, the communication is just too less in arranged marriages. It can take years to know a person. Sometimes is does work in the favour because of the surprise element, but more often than not, there are lot of incompatible couples almost forced to live together because of the social boundaries of the Indian society.

It's not that the arranged marriage setup is totally bad. I'm sure it does have it's own advantages, but as India is progressing, I really wish it looses it's importance. People should be allowed to choose their own partners, according to their own compatibility, and not on the parameters of caste, religion, money and looks.

Lies are very common in arranged marriages, lies about salary, family backgrounds, previous relationships, habits, the girl puts up the best dress and make up, that's a lie too. The guy puts up his best behavior, lie. If you have to marry someone, shouldn't that person see your natural face and behavior?

The biggest flaw of arranged marriage is that it's just like a game of gamble. If you're lucky, you can hit the jackpot, if not, then only Lord can save you.

In arranged marriages, people just scan around and quit, thinking it will not hurt feelings as there is no bonding between girl and boy. But it hurts some individuals, to be treated as commodities.

The matrimony profiles are not truthfully filled, because it is filled by the parents, most of the times. For e.g someone is a non drinker/non smoker as per their profile; this can be because the parents don't know this fact about their kid, or that the parents know and conveniently leave this out to broaden the scope of potential matches.

Health/medical history are not usually revealed in this process. The most commonly hidden ones are depression, epilepsy, impotence, night blindness, heart issues. Have personally heard or come across many such cases which eventually ended up in messy divorces.

Most Indian males are confused a lot. Especially the ones who are earning comfortably well and are pretty settled in their careers. Sometimes, I pity them and mostly they invoke pure disgust in me. They feel threatened when they talk to a girl who has her own mind.

Most guys are certainly not good looking at all (I know it's shallow to even type this!), yet expect to find a beautiful and pretty girl (according to their fucked up standards). Often the excuse given for the beer belly, dark circles, receding hairlines and tobacco stained teeth is job pressure and the fact that they earn better than the girl. So money justifies everything, wow. But if you are 28 and look like a 40 year old, then it’s not just aesthetics that are going against you, but it clearly shows you are not physically healthy and take your health for granted. Isn't it?

Pleasing everyone, except the bride and the groom : Even the opinion of a distant relative, who was virtually invisible until then, begins to take more precedence than the bride/groom.

 
Expectation Management: It pivotal to understand that that the current generation is leaps and bounds ahead of older ones. We don’t blindly follow things but we need to rationalise everything and then decide what suits us best. So first and foremost don’t judge the boy or the girl from your expectations (in-laws/parents), rather appreciate how well suited they are for each other. Also, understand that the girl didn’t spend the last 25 / 28 / 30 or 32 years of her life to just become "the wife". Don’t let marriage be a deterrent in her professional growth or whatever her aim in life is. The boy and his parents should not look for someone ONLY to clean, cook, look after the house, and take some work load off the mother - Maids are better suited and qualified for these tasks, not a wife. That doesn’t mean a girl wants to run away from all these responsibilities, or I am looking down upon maids, but these responsibilities shouldn’t be her ONLY part of life, after marriage.

Don’t try and pressure a girl by saying she is a part of the "new" family. The girl is as much a part of the new family as the boy is of her’s. Respect, love and honor is a two-way street. It mustn’t be demanded, rather earned.

FOR PARENTS - Also, parents must learn to cut the umbilical cord. Don’t expect them to move-in with you. Let the couple figure out what works best for them. There is no rule that says, what worked for one will work for all. Let them make their life the way they want, face the hurdles together, make mistakes and learn from them. That’s what a marriage is, right?

Book Review #103 : 50 Cups of Coffee: The Woes and Throes of Finding Mr Right

Name of the book: 50 Cups of Coffee

Name of the author: Khushnuma Daruwala

Length of the book: 224 pages

A written account of Dia’s journey of 50 long cups of coffee, moving forward with the hope of meeting Mr. Right. However, going by the story, the journey is more about catching hold of Mr. Perfect, rather than finding Mr. Right. Dia deals with the hardships of meeting strangers, trying her luck at speed dating, and surviving in a conservative society.

The first 100 pages comprise of intense man-hating, with Dia having to deal with all kinds of men that ultimately fail at becoming an eligible match, whilst crushing on men she can’t have. Also, speaking about the importance of the book titled ‘He’s Just Not That Into You’ and how it is a real life-saver for the ones looking to date. 

As the journey folds out, the protagonist slowly begins to address her own traits and how all the hate, has slowly turned herself into being one of them. Since the lead character is female the detailing the author included in the ways how each date would go makes this book stand apart. Like how women thinks and what are the characters they are on the look for.

Kudos to the designer who have illustrated a classy design to the cover. This book is a short one and ideal for non-fiction readers and also for those who are on the look to find their right companion. So if you are on the look out for your ‘Right’ partner grab this one.

“50 cups of coffee” is a beautiful account of a 30 something girl who is trying hard to fit into the Indian world. When the society is all about getting married by the age of 25 and less concerned about the choices of women towards their life partners, the character Dia is adamant on not settling for less! The determination to find Mr. Right and the pain to go through a lot of Mr. Wrongs is a journey that every girl has to take today. And when Dia signs up for the marriage meet-ups, each cup of coffee seemed a little obnoxious and perplexing than the other.

The book takes you on a journey of personal experiences, juggling of thoughts, a lot of judgments and insider details of 50 coffee dates that Dia took to find her Mr. Right. The writing is crisp, full of wit and amazingly wrapped with a lot of puns. With sharp words and to the point phrases the author manages to keep you intrigued to the story. The marriage scenario and the emotional turmoil of the character will relate to you if you too have been thinking of settling with marriage. “50 cups of coffee” isn’t 50 chapters of coffee dates but an account of personal experiences revolving around Dia – the character who is on with the marriage proposal through matrimonial sites and the things she finds she cannot settle with. With each date there comes a new theory about men and evaluation of their so called ‘type’. With sarcasm, judgments, ‘facepalm’-moments and common traits you will be reminded of a lot of your own dates!

This book is a light read! Makes for a good laugh on your own past dates, a gossip the about the search of grooms and also a go-to guide for women who are trying to make their mind up for marriage while finding it hard to meet their Mr. Right. Not that you will get a solution – but that you’ll realize you are not alone! 

Khushnuma Daruwala’s 50 Cups of Coffee – The Woes and Throes of Finding Mr. Right is a lighthearted look at this aspect of Indian pre-matrimony. It works very well as a hilarious collection of anecdotes of a single woman in her mid-thirties meeting prospective life partners from matrimonial sites on first dates.

Daruwala, on the other hand, is not here to give you advice, instead 50 Cups basically sets out to “lift the spirits and offer a sense of kinship” to women who have suffered dating disasters. Fifty Cups of Coffee is a delightful, tongue in cheek take on the Indian dating scene.

Only Khushnuma, with her supreme talent, superior writing skills, and hawkish observation skills could have penned down this hilarious masterpiece. The little cups of wisdom after each date gone wrong are equally amazing and totally entertaining. Seriously, ladies, they are words to live by. Literally. We’d have a much better existence if we did so.

I absolutely love the writing style in this book. It is fluid and unapologetic. The author opines on anything and everything and she microscopically analyses all these guys the dates are with and she doesn’t shy away from saying anything. I like that. I liked that I could relate to what was happening and that is a huge bonus!

If you're interested in knowing about the details behind internet dating, and finding the perfect match through matrimonial sites, 50 Cups of Coffee is just the right pick. Hilarious and quintessential, this book will not let you down.

Rating - 5/5